Why do I stay up so late some nights?

I don't see the point in keeping an online journal anymore.. No matter what I feel I have to sensor what I have to say.

I spent my morning and afternoon in the garden!! I am excited! and... we have a few strawberries already!! yay! now I am going on a run.. followed by working.

Recently I have found it very hard to write in electronic format for everyone to read. I feel judged by what I say and I don't want to be judged just understand.

I feel like I waste hours when I have restless nights. Last night I just could not sleep.

Today I drove to Holland. It really didn't feel like I was going "home". However... I am enjoying being here and around my family.

School is finally going better. These past few weeks have been stressful with lost of anxiety. I feel sometimes that as hard as I try to make my friendships work they always fall apart. I get depressed and rely too much on my friends and they end up not wanting to be around me. In the same aspect I try and do as much as I can for them. I would do almost anything for my friends.
I miss my friends from high school. They were the people who understood me. And at the end of the day.. we went to our own homes and never had to see each other again. Until the next day..
I hope things keep getting better..

Oh and the musical HAIR is good so far!

People are drunk everywhere I need to escape this place.

I need to be strong. I'm trying to be strong.

and... cheetos should not be comfort food

I am going to Denmark

I have made a decision. And I am getting help.

I love him

I wish I knew how to tell him how much he means to me

I want to tell him how he has made me a better person

How he has changed me



...

I want to stand by his side forever

I went home, to my parents house this weekend. During the weekend I have a few things I want and need to do. I need to spend time in reflection, reading, and thinking. I need to spend time with an old friend. I want to make something that is on my mind. And I want to spend time visiting and attending PFLAG with my mom. And I need to deliver a gift to the Guarr's.

I really need this weekend to work out the way I need it too.. and I will be happy.

It is late and I am unable to sleep. Starting at 2pm today it started snowing and it is still falling from the sky. Under the night lights the snow looks sparkly, it is very magical.

Classes this semester are going pretty decent. However everything around me seems to be moving slow... it is taking forever for anything to happen in class and lectures seem to be unusually boring.... and I like lectures.

Thursday is the day that Breathless is going to be finished.. good movie so far.. what happens in the end!?

Would things be different if the only people in my life were people who truly cared?

Perhaps things would be.. so much time is spent fighting off negative energy.

I wish I had solutions for everything.

Why do I cry so much when I am not even hurting?

This weekend was very enjoyable! Yay! Amazing friends and pool party in a hotel with too many people.. .. just because.

And it was very nice to see my man!

.... and I want to spend more time in the DIA... basically SWEET!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riJJbPdCxBY


Oh Rufus.

Tonight I went clubbing. It was not as fun as I remember and now I have a wrist-band stuck to the hair on my arm, smell of smoke in my eyes and everything else, and to very large "M's" written in permanent black thick sharpie on both of my hands. However it was fun to watch how dance styles tell a lot about a person and karaoke is always something to laugh over.

At this time at night even Nation Public Radio has something funny to say. People can be dumb.. most myths are.. myths. For example:

-Hair does not grow back thicker, faster and darker. It is just not exposed to the sunlight....
-Hair does not grow after death... Skin shrinks.
-Sweat really is 99% water
-Skin does not turn green if you start shaving too early
-I don't need to drink 8 glasses of water a day however it is smart
-Tanning does not get rid of acne.. it tones down the red


... and that was a dumb post.

I don't remember the last time I did nothing. Today was such a lazy day.. but with good reason... I was sick last night.

and I listened to Lazy Sundays CD